Here I am

After all this time and me never truly knowing what to write, here I am. You see, we experience grief in so many different ways, how can one express it. Aside from the fact that everyone’s journey with grief is so different. But this blog was started to let people know that they are not alone, grief sucks, and no one going through it knows which way is up. We work so hard to find “the one”, to plan our lives, to have dreams and a family, to create our image of perfection (whatever that may be) and in a single moment it can be gone. Wiped away without warning. Our reality crushed, altered, wrecked, devastated, and in turmoil. We resort back to teenage mentality, or at least I feel like I did. But did I really? Everything was a complete fog, I was and probably still am misplaced, misguided, searching and hunting for anything to feel right or make sense. And yes I sure can say that even some of my actions were that like a teenager. Parenting seemed to take a back seat, so did bills, work, hobbies and friends. Who are we now? What do we want in life? Where are we going? It is like one minute you have a goal and plans, only they are all with the person you look to as a partner and then they are gone. All of the sudden the goals don’t make sense or have the same validity they had before. You have no idea what your next move is. I still say, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.” because frankly, I have no idea, yep at almost 40 years old. Things that used to seem so important don’t carry the same weight. But…we keep moving forward because we HAVE to. Here I am moving through time, working harder than I ever did in any career just to keep a smile on my face to give off the impression that I am ok. Knowing darn well, the pain I feel inside and yet knowing I don’t want to be the kind of widow people pity. And yet, why? Why can’t people look at us and feel our pain. Why can’t they look at us and appreciate what they have in front of them? Why can’t they hold their loved ones a little tighter tonight because they see what they can’t bare living through when they look at me? I guess if I can help someone else have a little more appreciation for their life or the life of their loved ones, then it is what it is. Maybe that is just my new purpose, right? All I know is this is what I do, I go around and around in circles about how I feel, what I should feel and what I want people to think I feel, all awhile truly having no clue about anything. What I really want is normalcy, but that is no longer a thing, and the “new normal” truly is difficult. Now, keeping everything together on my own, playing mom and dad, feeling empty on the inside, and yet I guess the only piece of advice I have is don’t think as much as I do. Know that you aren’t alone. Know that not many people in this situation truly know what they are doing. (and if they do it is most likely not their first loss). We don’t need to have it all figured out and we don’t need to live our lives based on what the next judgmental person thinks. We need to follow our own paths, make the mistakes we are sure to make, so that we can learn,grow stronger and get back up. Take a minute to be kind to yourself, Love yourself, forgive yourself, breath and believe we will get through this!! Cause we have to!